As we enter into the holiday season, I’ve invited my dear friend, Gabby Daikon, to share her experience with grief after losing her mother as a young adult. I met Gabby about a year ago through her grief journals and later joined her for virtual Yoga Nidra and “bad bitch” meditations. In a year that has been unpredictable, these practices have brought me comfort, and I hope her words will be a comfort to you.
Grief is all-consuming and yet different for every individual.
For me it felt like a fog, a fog that I knew was there but I couldn’t get to the other side of it. I hear that is what Seattle is like, I guess grief is like Seattle. I have never been but I hear it is beautiful but always cloudy. I think grief is similar in that it feels constantly dreary but also has a weird comfort and connection to the true essence of life. I am sorry if you live in Seattle and that offended you. I truthfully have no idea what Seattle is like.
Grief is a journey
My grief journey has been a bumpy ride, to say the least. I have struggled tremendously, found support, struggled again, learned to surrender and the ride keeps on going. I found that my biggest mistake was pretending to be OK. I held all of the burdens of my losses inside of myself and made myself sick. Truly sick.
Ride the waves
We run and hide from any negative emotions, but the more we tense and grip, the harder they hit. Instead, float on the tides. Let your emotions move you around without crashing over you; brutally. Wade into the fears, float with them, don’t judge yourself, and usually, you can come out without drowning.
My true healing began when I learned how to surrender to the pain, the grief, and all of the parts that make this life. It is so sad that grief is such a large part of life and yet rarely spoken about. I believe that when we begin to speak about it we can all heal and find the beauty in our journey.
Yoga Nidra provides a moment of reprieve
I found Yoga Nidra at a time when I truly needed it. I felt this constant pain of anxiety because I had this undercurrent of grief that I just could not truly access. Yoga Nidra was the first time I felt at peace for 45 minutes. I am not saying it healed me completely but it gave me a moment of reprieve and sometimes when we are deep in the grief journey that is all we can ask for. A moment of reprieve.
Yoga Nidra is a guided meditation
Yoga Nidra gives us the opportunity to float with the currents. During Yoga Nidra there are no moving postures, simply lie wherever you feel comfortable and allow yourself to feel supported. It is a guided meditation – you are not left alone with your thoughts, you are supported by the meditation. During this time you may be having trouble feeling rested, Yoga Nidra is equivalent to 3 ½ hours of deep REM sleep to the body. It also helps move energy through the subconscious mind and welcome what the mind needs to welcome without the tension and anxiety attached to it.
Yoga Nidra makes you an observer of the mind, an observer of grief, being able to welcome it without having it drown you. I invite you to just take a few deep breaths, allow what comes to come, and know that you can handle it.
Grief is personal
There are scientific benefits that I can list but the truth is that grief is not some scientific formula, we just have to do what we can to get through and for me, that was writing to my Mom and other loved ones when I truly needed her and Yoga Nidra. With the loss of a key family member there is so much more loss that people don’t speak about- like; the family dynamics, your personality, a self-identity, and so much more. So if you are deep in your grief all I can offer is my truest empathy and compassion because there are no magic words, it is just hard, and sometimes we just need people to understand how hard it is.
Use the promo code GALS to get a discount on one of Gabby’s services
Looking to reduce stress and anxiety? Improve your mental clarity? If so, consider adding Yoga Nidra to your wellness routine. Use the promo code “GALS” and you can get a discount on Gabby’s services.
Ten Holiday Traditions to Consider when a loved one dies
When your family adds members, like a new baby or newlywed couple, the holidays can be more joyous than ever. Of course, the flip side of that is that when your family loses someone, the holiday season can become a painful reminder of their absence.
I am very fortunate to still have both of my parents around, and until recently, my husband did too. Doing the work that I do, I’m always cognizant that our loved ones won’t always be around. However, when my mother-in-law passed unexpectedly this year, it threw a lot of our plans into chaos.
We had holiday traditions that will be difficult to carry on, and so I’m thinking about how we can continue existing traditions while acknowledging our loss, or create new traditions that honor the time we enjoyed with her.
Here are a few options that I’ve come up with to explore this year, and as the years go on.
Go to their favorite places.
My mother-in-law, Lynn, had very eclectic tastes. She loved art museums, coffee shops, bookstores, and any place that had locally made crafts. She is the one who created my candle obsession through various gifts over the years. This year a couple of new places have opened in our neighborhood that I know she would have loved, as well as places that she and I went together that I will probably visit again.
Wear their favorite colors/styles.
Normally when we think of attending a funeral, we think of people wearing black. I’ll never forget reading Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston in high school, where the main character wears her husband’s favorite color when he dies. Although I had no clue the toll death can take at that time of my life, thought it was a lovely way to honor him and their relationship.
If you were fortunate to inherit some clothes from your loved one, the holidays may be a good time to take them out. Smell them. Do they still smell like your loved one who has died? Isn’t that wonderful to be able to smell them again?
My grandfather died while I was in law school. One of my favorite things that we did together was take walks. He took a walk every day and had a coat rack full of sweaters, coats, and flannel shirts for anyone who wanted to walk with him if the weather was cool. When he passed away, I was able to get a few of the cardigans from his hall tree. They no longer smell like him, but I can’t wear them without remembering all the walks we went on and the ways that those walks helped shape our family.
Make their favorite recipes or eat at their favorite restaurant.
My mother in law loved Chef’s Market in Goodlettsville. It’s where she chose for our rehearsal dinner, and where we got take out from almost every Christmas Eve. While we may skip Chef’s Market for the holidays this year, I’m going to suggest we start going there on her birthday each year.
Share stories about them. What was their favorite thing about the holidays?
Did they love going to the movies after opening presents? Were they a wonderful or horrible gift giver? The holidays are a wonderful opportunity to share memories that were made over the years.
Donate to their favorite nonprofit or help someone they loved.
Helping others is always a great way to think outside of yourself for a while. Maybe you set up a re-curring donation to a cause they cared about or find a few days to volunteer for an organization stuffing envelopes or making calls.
Even if you don’t have a lot of time or money, you can find a way to be helpful. If you use Amazon, you can make your purchases through their Amazon Smile website instead and they will donate a portion of your purchase to the charity of your choice. Kroger has a similar program that is tied to your Kroger Plus account.
Visit their grave, memorial, or a place they love. Don’t be afraid to talk to them. Give them an update on what has happened through the year.
I know this may seem silly to some people. But in all likelhood there were some things you shared with your deceased loved one that might not be as appreciated by anyone else. Maybe you heard a joke that you know would crack them up, or want to make sure they are caught up on the family goings-on. You can say things out loud, or just think them (like a prayer) but having a way to continue the relationship that was so important while they were living is so comforting.
Save a place for them at the table. Consider putting their picture at their place instead of a place setting.
Just because someone isn’t with us physically at the holidays, chances are that they had an impact on how you celebrate. Find physical space for your loved on in your holiday celebrations.
Read their favorite book out loud.
In Iceland there is a tradition of getting books as gifts on Christmas Eve. Then the family cozies up with their book and hot chocolate for an evening of reading. I think it’s a lovely tradition. Since Christmas Eve was the part of the holiday that we spent with my in-laws, I might suggest that we adjust this tradition to read her favorite book and drink tea instead. It’s Tolkien, so we won’t finish, but maybe we’ll put it back on the shelf until next year.
Look through photos of them and favorite memories.
Even though your loved one is no longer with you, hopefully they weren’t camera shy. Many families now create photo slide shows for memorial services, and the holidays might be a good time to pull that back up on your computer, go through the photos one by one, and talk about the events happening when the picture was taken. I bet you’ll learn a few things about your loved one, and get to share some things too!
10. Make a toast to their influence on your life, using their favorite drink.
Whether your loved one preferred champagne, eggnog, or Coca-Cola, the holidays seem like the perfect time to raise a glass in their honor. Toast to the immaterial things they left you. Did your son inherit their sense of humor? Your granddaughter has their love of science? They are a piece of you, so now is a great time to honor them.
The people we love don’t leave us when they pass away, and there’s no reason we should try to leave them behind during the most cherished parts of our lives.
As we approach Halloween and Día de los Muertos, it seemed appropriate to get a little more matter-of-fact about deathcare resources. One end-of-life resource that we want to highlight is the option of engaging a “death doula” for those who are facing the end of their lives.
Our guest blogger this week is Ellen Abbott. We met Ellen in her role as Care Manager for Visionary Care Consultants but soon learned that we shared an interest in helping people through some of the most difficult transitions of life. Ellen completed her certification as a death doula in 2019, so we asked her to tell us more about what a death doula is and how they serve those at the end of their lives.
You may have heard recently about a “death doula” or an “end of life doula” and wondered who they are and what do they do? As a death doula myself, I’m happy to tell you!
What is a death doula?. We use midwives to educate and assist families to help bring babies into the world, why not have the same for those who are towards the end of their journey here?
There is a growing movement among end-of-life professionals in the United States to bring back the role of a non-medical person who stands in the gap between doctors, hospice, and the family of a dying loved one. This person guides the family and the client around the maze of the healthcare system, educates on hospice, offers practical information about death and provides emotional support around the entire process.
Who do death doulas serve?
A death doula serves the dying person as well as their loved ones. The goal of a death doula is to make sure that their client’s final wishes and needs are carried out before, during and after their death. This creates a healing and easier transition for the client and family.
When should a death doula be called?
You don’t have to have a terminal diagnosis to hire a death doula. There are some doulas who focus on helping their clients plan so that they know what they want at the end of life, and instructions on what the family needs to know to carry out those wishes. This is extremely helpful to the family and client since the topic of death and final wishes are not popular conversations in today’s world.
How do death doulas charge for their services?
Every death doula is different. Most offer free consultations and then an hourly rate of anywhere from $30-$100 an hour. Some offer packages for legacy planning along with being present for the client at the time of death. In middle Tennessee there is a Death Doula alliance, made up of local doulas that have been trained specifically for this role. They come from all backgrounds but usually from nursing, social work, counseling or clergy.
Over the last century, death has been viewed as a medical failure even though we all know one day we will die. A death doula helps to normalize these conversations and talk about these topics that no one wants to bring up. The death doula starts with the end in mind, to ease client’s fears, knowing they have a plan and someone at their side when the time comes.
If you’re closely related to someone who has recently passed away, it’s likely that you’ll be in line to inherit at least a part of their estate. It can be a complicated process, depending on the circumstances. To make this process easier for you, we’ve outlined some things you need to know as a potential inheritor of a Tennessee estate.
1. Take the time to grieve
If you’ve just lost a loved one, the first thing you need to do is take the time to grieve. This could be overwhelming, especially if you were close to the person who has passed away. You may not even know how to react if you’ve been left a large inheritance. Taking the time to grieve the death of a loved one is important, and you should not be pressured into making decisions. Also, don’t rush through any of the legal processes outlined in this article. There’s no need to hurry to open an estate, and you should make sure that you’re given enough time to make well-thought-out decisions and take care of things properly. All of the necessary information will be available to you once you are ready.
2. Take the time to understand the terms of the will
Another important thing to do is take the time to understand the terms of the will. If there was a will, then you’ll need to know who was named as the executor (aka personal representative) of the estate. You’ll also need to know whether there are any special provisions in the will, like leaving a specific piece of property to a specific person. You’ll want to know where the original will is being kept, as well as the executor’s contact information so you can stay informed about the progress of the estate.
Once the will is probated, there will be a record of it that you can access at any time. You’ll be able to see the contents of the will, as well as the names of everyone who was named as a beneficiary. This is something that you’ll need to keep in mind when communicating with the people who were named in the will.
3. Find out if there is any debt included with your share of the inheritance
Debt follows the person who incurred it, so a person’s debt usually belongs to their estate- not those inheriting from them. However, if your loved one left you anything with a debt tied to it, you may have to figure out how to resolve the debt before accepting the inheritance.
This includes things like car loans, mortgages, or other debts that your loved one may have had when they passed away. Even if you inherit something with debt tied to it, you do not have to inherit debt. You can choose not to accept the item or to sell it and take whatever it is worth after the debt is paid.
It’s important that you know if there is any debt included with your inheritance so that you can plan accordingly. It’s possible that you could get a loan to cover the cost of the debt and then pay it off gradually over time.
In my personal and professional opinion, it usually makes sense to take over a loan on something that will appreciate, such as real estate, but not on any depreciating assets like a vehicle. However, this is something that will have to be decided in consideration of your personal situation.
4. Find out what happens during the probate process
The probate process is the process of opening a probate estate, gathering all assets owned, and distributing the assets from the estate. During the probate process, the executor of the estate will file the will and any other documents that might be necessary with the court and has the responsibility of distributing the assets according to the terms of the will. These documents will become part of the public record. The executor of the estate will open an estate account with the court, and you can check in on it and see what progress is being made as the assets are distributed.
5. Check for Inherited IRA Rules and Taxes
If you inherit retirement accounts from a loved one, you will need to make a decision about how and when to cash out the account.
While spouses can easily “roll” retirement accounts to the surviving spouse, this is not an option for anyone else. As the non-spouse beneficiary of a retirement account, you have two options: (1) take all money out immediately or (2) you can “stretch” the distributions up to ten years.
Because most retirement accounts are “tax deferred” accounts, you will want to explore the tax consequences of any retirement investment accounts that you inherit. If your family member invested into a 401k, IRA, or similar type of account, they did not pay taxes when contributing to their retirement. That means that taxes must be paid when the money is taken out.
The financial institution will usually help you by holding an estimated tax payment but you will still want to make sure you are aware of what you will need to pay at tax time to account for those inheritances, no matter how you took the distribution.
6. Allow time for the Executor to carry out their duties
As soon as you’re named as a beneficiary to a will and the estate has been opened through probate, you can expect that the Executor will begin to take care of things, such as contacting creditors and making arrangements for the sale of any real estate. It’s important that you give them some time to do what they need to do. Expect that it will take about a year for the entire process to run its course. This is a rough estimate and will vary depending on how complicated the estate is, how many assets there are, if any estate tax is due, and whether there are any potential disputes. The Executor will keep you updated on progress and let you know when you can expect to receive the inheritance.
7. Communicate with the Executor
Keep in regular communication with the Executor of the estate. Ask if there is anything you need to do or can do to help. If you have questions, make sure that you ask the Executor and get the answers that you need to the point you understand. You can also ask to speak with the attorney for the estate. If you are having issues with the Executor getting back to you, or you suspect there are difficulties, it may be worth consulting a lawyer on your own.
8. Decide how you want to handle your share
Before you get a check, decide how you want to spend any money that you receive. Maybe you and your deceased loved one had already talked through what they hoped would happen with any funds they left you. Many people have a financial goal that their inheritance will help them reach, such as buying a house or investing in their own retirement. Some families use the money to take a trip together and make memories. Having a plan is the best way to make sure that your loved one’s legacy is honored.
9. Update your Plan
One of the most important things to consider is that receiving an inheritance could cause your own estate planning to need to be updated or revised. If you are currently the beneficiary of a trust or other estate planning document, you should contact your estate planning attorney to determine whether or not you need to make any updates.
If you are looking for a Middle Tennessee probate attorney or to create a Tennessee will, click here to schedule an initial call with us.
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